My life is in chaos and is surrounded by darkness. The emotions that are swirling around inside and outside of me feel like this beast that is growing stronger with each breath. I know that if I take my focus of my Beloved God, that it will consume me and never let me go. Because of my health issues over the past life time, my life looks like the aftermath of a natural disaster. Every time I feel like I'm making progress another wave comes, destroying everything I've worked so hard to rebuild. I don't want to live in this chaos anymore. Each day it takes all my strength to just get through the day and to get through my pain.
Then to add to it I'm trying to be the strength of my mother as she is struggling to hold on to the last bit of hope that is left in her. Things have happened over the past couple of years that have left her shattered and she just wants to give up. I'm drained from it. I keep trying to throw her the life preserve of Christ and each time she bats it away letting the fear over take her and drag her down. I hold tight to the promises of God, as I do battle against the fear that is covering this house. I wish that I could take the peace that I have from the faith and hope I get from His promises, into all the dark place that fill her soul.
Each day is an all day battle. I want to scream in frustration as I watch the laundry pile grow, deal with having no dishes left, look at all the packing that needs to be done, not getting any unpacking done and so many other things pulling at me. There are moments that I just want to give up and run away, then I feel my Beloved God's arms around me, pulling me close, whispering to me how much He loves me. I'm so broken, but piece by piece He is fixing all those broken pieces and making me into what He has always planned me to be.
The waiting is so hard though. I'm so done with living like this and want to be in the life He has for me. It is that life that keeps me fighting with everything that I have. I think back many times to my life before Christ invade my heart, soul, and mind and it scares me because of what might have been if I didn't let him in 7 years ago. I feel like I have come so far since then yet at the same time I feel like I have made no progress at all.
This next week will bring a close to a chapter of my life which I'm so excited about, yet at the same time, I'm sad to see those dreams come to an end. I so wish that with this chapter closing I was father than I am, but God has me right where I need to be. I'm trying so hard to be still and KNOW that He is God. He knows the plans He has for me, to bless me and not harm me. Sometimes I wish the waiting was easier and not so painful. I look at this mountain that is before me and have no clue on how to move it or get over it but He does. I will keep my focus on him, leaning not on my own understanding and I know He will make my path straight.
At this moment it looks impossible and I can see the fear waiting to over take me at the slightest hint of weakness. I feel like the butterfly right before it hatches. Many times I wonder what the butterfly must feel near the end of the struggle, right before it breaks free to fly. Does it want to give up or does it know that the best part is still to come? I like to think that it knows to the depth of its being that God has more for it then just this struggle and that's what pushes it to keep going. Sometimes I imagine myself as that struggling butterfly and I tell myself that I'm at that moment right before I break free to fly and I can't give up now.
